As I write, we’re still awaiting the formation, confirmation and shape of the new centre-right government. One can only imagine what it’s like to be a fly on the wall in the negotiations room deep in the bowels of the Beehive.

So, let’s have a stab in the dark as to how it’s playing out:

Luxon: Ok guys, now that I’ve finally got you two in a room together. Let’s be grown-ups. Let’s be civil to one another. And let’s lay our cards on the table. I’ll start with you Mr Peters, Sir, in an ideal world, what job do you want?

Winston: I want to be Prime Minister. Ever since I first came to this place in 1978, I was always destined to be New Zealand’s first Māori Prime Minister. And if it wasn’t for Jim Bolger, Jenny Shipley, Helen Clark, John Key, Bill English and Jacinda, I would have been!

Luxon: But didn’t you get offside with each-and-every one of them?

Winston: Listen Sunshine, I’ve been running this place for 45 years and I don’t want any shiny-arsed, shiny-headed, Luxon-come-lately, who’s been in the building for two minutes to start telling me what I can and can’t do!

Luxon: Alright Mr Peters, let’s just set aside the PM’s job for few moments. We’ll come back to that. David, you know how I said Act was my preferred coalition partner right throughout the election campaign? Well, I’ve had a slight change of plans.

Seymour: C’mon Chris! What happened to all those plans we made when we were neighbours? Those intimate nights over the non-alcoholic barbeques, under the Epsom stars? It was supposed to be just you and me. You the PM, me the Deputy PM and Nicola the Minister of Finance. Bish the Leader of the House and Brooke Associate Finance Minister. You promised me!

Luxon: Look David, I didn’t get to where I am today by not learning how to pivot on a business deal. Or by not learning how to talk management-speak. Let’s “blue sky” this. Look at the deliverables. If we get the process right, the outcome will look after itself. And right now, the only outcome that's going to work for me, is if I make Mr Peters the Deputy PM. He’s already told me he doesn’t want Foreign Affairs because there’s too much travel and work involved. Besides the Deputy’s job is largely symbolic and I figure it’s better to have Mr Peters around the Cabinet table, rather than lobbing grenades in from outside the proverbial tent.

Winston: And tell him about Shane.

Luxon: Oh yeah. Sorry about this David, but I also promised Mr Peters that Jones could be Minister of Māori Affairs, Co-Governance and Forestry. After all, someone’s got to keep an eye on the billion trees he planted.

Seymour: But what’s in this coalition agreement for me and Brooke?

Luxon: Well Brooke can have, as promised, Associate Finance. Nicole McKee can have the new Hunting and Fishing portfolio and Big Andy Hoggard can have Associate Agriculture behind McClay. Gotta look after the 500,000 rural voters that swung back to us.

Winston: And tell him about Judith and Gerry.

Luxon: Oh yeah. Judith’s got Justice. That’s justice after she fell on her sword for me in 2021. And Gerry’s got the Speaker’s Job. We were thinking of giving him Foreign Affairs, but then decided it would leave too big a carbon footprint jetting him around the planet. Just easier for all concerned to plonk him down in the Speaker’s chair here.

Seymour: But what am I going to do?

Luxon: Unfortunately, all the good jobs are spoken for David, so I’ve decided to create a new portfolio just for you. To reward you for your loyalty. You’re going to be the new Minister of Association. Basically, that means you’re an Associate Minister for everything. That way we can utilize your vast array of skills. You can help Reti out with Health, Mitchell with Police, Erica with Education, Winston with Racing and James with Climate Change.

Seymour: WTF! James? Climate Change? You’ve been talking to the Greens?

Luxon: But only, of course, with an eye to the future David. We reckon this will be Mr Peters’ last term in Parliament, before he gets his newly negotiated knighthood and Ambassador's job in Washington. This three-way negotiation has been very taxing. More taxing than a Grant Robertson Budget. So, I had to pivot. Process. Outcome. You know the drill, Dave.

Seymour: But who’s going to get Foreign Affairs?

Luxon: Well, to get our new Blue-Green two-party deal across the line for 2026, we had to get Marama out of the picture. She leaves for Gaza tomorrow. Now everyone’s happy!

Winston: Hang on a minute, Sunshine, I still want to be PM!