Nick Kyrgios won't win it.

Serena will get close though. And still dominate headlines more than whoever it is that does.

No New Zealander will make the second round of the singles. No NZer can remember the last time a NZer did. Or who it was.

Some people will complain about the heat.

Some of those same people will also complain it's a bit cold when the roof is closed because of the heat. Those people are the sort of people my mother describes as "moaning when their a** is on fire and moaning when someone puts it out".

Nick Kyrgios will do something that makes him a heap of headlines for something that has very little to do with anything good he may've done on the court.

And his legion of fans will jiggle and giggle and share it and like it and tick it and meme it and it'll be all so memorable for at least 30 seconds.

But not one of those same fans will be able to tell you how he fared in last year's tournament. Or when he last made the semis of a Grand Slam.

Which he never has.

So why are we still talking about him then? Exactly my point and thank you for noticing. A whole heap of half-cut goofish Ozzie blokes will start yelling "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie" between every stoppage of any Australian player playing.

While the rest of the crowd, not to mention the rest of the world watching at home, are just thinking "dorks" and "I wish those dorks would stop doing that dorky chant".

But because they're dorks we know they never will.

Someone else will moan about the heat and wonder out loud why it's always so bl**dy hot at the Australian Open.

Someone else will hopefully point out to that person that it's January, it's summer, and if they'd like to add 2 + 2 they might just figure it out for themselves.

Nick Kyrgios won't win it.

But Rafa or Roger or Novak probably will.