This is a travel advisory for the city of Wellington: do not travel to New Zealand's capital. Environment considered dangerous. 

Basic necessities like flat whites and pints are difficult to find. 

The government-ordered a crackdown on civil servants is currently in action. A warning other civil servants may be hiding inside homes and not immediately visible on city streets. 

Risk of political turmoil and unrest is extreme. Infrastructure is in a perilous state. 

Access to fresh water is limited, burst water and sewerage pipes scattered across the city. 

Check for faeces before swimming in the harbour, water’s freezing too. In case of an emergency - carparks are difficult to find. 

There are cycleways aplenty, but treacherous weather and wind conditions make use incredibly difficult. 

The city is in a state of utter chaos with little to no control by lord Mayor Tory Whanau. 

Specific populations asked to avoid Sky Stadium include the All Blacks - they've lost six tests in a row at the venue, chance of further losses highly likely. If the All Blacks are unsure which venue this bulletin refers to, please look for urine-yellow coloured seating. 

Locals refer to the venue as the Cake Tin. 

If travel is essential, please exercise extreme caution. Take your own water, coffee, alcohol, body armour, a pen, paper, calculator, and Chat GPT to help decode the mayor's mixed messaging. 

Dress for disappointment, pack for evacuation, and if somebody tries to sell you a cheap car - run.